Dealing with Christmas After Divorce
Getting divorced is tough, but for families with children, the first Christmas after a divorce is especially tough. Ask any group of children what they want for Christmas and along with the predictable requests for bikes and ponies, you’ll find more than a few who will test your heartstrings by saying something like, “I just want Daddy to come home”.
Young children especially find it challenging to understand divorce, and may not be aware that it is a permanent arrangement. Certainly the movies and stories aimed at young children add to the problem with the way they portray marriage as a romantic ideal and the ultimate life goal of every young woman. The implication, of course, is that marriage is forever, and that everyone who marries is head-over-heels in love with each other.
This can lead to children assuming that they are to blame for their parent’s split, with consequential psychological fallout which can manifest in many ways. As a parent, you may find it difficult to cope with this extra stress heaped on top of the normal Christmas stress, plus the trauma of a recent divorce.
Some of the things you may find adding to your stress levels at this time include:
- Distress or confusion expressed the children
- Pressure from your former spouse
- Pressure from your former spouse’s parents
- Pressure from your own parents
- Difficulty making ends meet due to financial changes
- Non-custodial parent possibly may neglect children
It goes without saying that if you can maintain a reasonable level of mutual cordiality with your former spouse, the problems will be greatly reduced. Therefore this is something you should strive to achieve, although of course it may be impossible if a serious problem had developed between the two of you prior to the divorce or after.
One way to improve the situation would be to allow a visit from the other parent during this time. If either of you are on benefits, you should also consider this: are nosy neighbours watching? That makes a big difference to who should visit whom. You will get the least chance of problems with DWP or HMRC if the parent who is on benefits visits the parent who is not. If you are both on benefits, it’s best to avoid overnight stays altogether, even if that could cause inconvenience (of course it depends a lot on your personal level of paranoia).
When the whole family can be united in one place, provided that both parents (and perhaps sets of grandparents) can avoid causing a distressing scene by fighting or making disparaging remarks. It should be kept in mind that it is Christmas, and surely it should be possible to set aside personal grievances just for this very short span of time.
You can expect that if the children don’t have a grudge against either parent, they may use a temporary reunion as an opportunity to attempt to get the two of you back together. It depends how well they have accepted the finality of the divorce.
Should it be the case that the rift between you is too great to bridge, and if the non-custodial parent can be trusted not to take the children and run off to Shanghai, you may be able to make an arrangement to share Christmas. How this works is you could either have the children at home in the morning and then they spend the evening with the non-custodial parent, or you could decide that one parent will have the children on Christmas Day and the other will have them on Boxing Day, or some other plan along those lines.
These are the sorts of things that can (and actually should) be planned prior to the divorce, which should ideally take the form of a written agreement, which Hylton-Potts can help with creating. This would avoid trouble and disputes later, as it would be clear exactly what everybody’s expectations should be.
Buying Christmas Presents – Don’t make it into a Competition
Purchasing gifts at Christmas can be a different experience for divorced parents as well. Whereas most married parents tend to choose and buy gifts together, divorced parents with separate finances will tend to do the opposite, and some even use it as an opportunity to compete for the children’s affection by being the parent who can buy the best gifts. This kind of thing is really not necessary and is best avoided. You ought to, if possible, consider choosing gifts together, or at least pooling money to buy gifts, as you would have done prior to the divorce.
Just because you can afford to buy a much better gift than your former spouse can, doesn’t really mean you should. It is better to discuss how much each of you plan on spending, and this way you avoid getting into competition with each other and to some extent ruining Christmas (or creating greedy, spoiled kids, who understand what is going on and use the opportunity to play you against each other for their personal gain and how you get on with the neighbours).
If both parents live very far apart, then some sort of deal will need to be sorted out so that there is no unfair disadvantage to you or the children. By simply taking the time to think about details like those listed above, you may be able to avoid a Christmas meltdown, and maybe even have a merry Christmas.
This is a difficult time for many single parent families and we understand that for many, they will not get to see their children this Christmas because of bitterness and resentment from ex-partners who may be preventing them from seeing their children. Although it’s too late to help you this Christmas, if you get in touch with Hylton-Potts, we’ll do all we can to ensure you get to see your children through agreed access or full custody next Christmas.
Whatever holidays you observe this festive season, Hylton-Potts wishes you safety and happiness during this time. If you should need legal advice for any matters related to divorce or child custody, you are welcome to contact us on 020 7381 8111 or send an email to [email protected] for information about our services.
We would be interested in your comments, please leave them in the section below.
For the past two years i have struggled with this problem. My ex husband is not in London for a large part of the year and the only time he is here with any certainty is Christmas and/or New Year when he sees his parents. This is when he sees the kids as well and normally spoils them rotten. They are only 6 and 9 years of age and it takes a long time to settle them again when they return and makes life very difficult. He argues that it is only time he sees the kids and only wants to see them at that time because it suits him, but it means that I spend a lonely Christmas and/or New Year and then have to deal with unruly children when they return. Would you be able to help rearrange our custody agreement for something that is better for all of us?
Thank you for your enquiry Evie. I’m sure we will be able to help. Please call us at our London office on 0207 381 8111 or email us at [email protected]
My ex refused to allow me to see my kids this Christmas. She promise dI would be able to see them for a few hours on Christmas Eve but later refused to allow this. She doesnt allow me to see them that often. What can I do about this?
Thank you for your inquiry, Sam. Please feel free to call out London office on 0207 381 8111 or send at email to [email protected] and we will advise you on your situation.
I have two children and divorced. My ex-wife has full custody, when factoring arrangements during the court proceedings I did not take into consideration that Christmas was a “holiday” I would spend with them as its not in my religious belief. Now its been one of the biggest regret. When I try to see them or arrange to see them during the Christmas period its always a NO with the ex as its not part of the agreement.
Can I get that changed and have more access to see them.
Thank you Raj for your inquiry. Yes we can certainly help with getting the arrangement order varied. Please contact us on 0207 381 8111 or email us on [email protected] to discuss this further.